Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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