My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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