I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
