So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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