I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
