I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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