I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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