I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
