Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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