Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
