I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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