yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
