your thong is hanging out like whoa
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
