I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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