im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
