how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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