this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
