You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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