i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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