my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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