He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
