My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
