I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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