There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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