the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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