My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
