I can text with my tongue
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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