My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
