I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
