This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
