When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
worst night to have a conscience
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
