gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
