The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
