the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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