Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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