everyone is single if you try hard enough
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
It was confusing and full of hummus
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
