My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
