Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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