Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm just crazy horny about you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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