Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
