he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just found a bag of teeth...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My vagina is very pro this idea
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
