New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
