I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
