Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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