I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
