Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
