Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
