I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
