Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
