On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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