fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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